Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Now Where Was I?

The problem with taking on a blog is that sooner or later it will become necessary to show the world (or at least the half dozen or so folks who have managed to find the blog) why you don't write for a living any more. I'm at a loss for words.

Literally. For the past two days I haven't been able to process language well.

One of the first symptoms to show it's nasty little face when I became aware of my illness was an increasing inability to write. I couldn't keep track of thoughts, ideas, conversations, assignments. And I couldn't think of words.

I was scared at first that I was developing early onset Alzheimers'. The words just would leave me, sometimes with my mouth open. All dressed up and nowhere to go, so to speak. Early on I found a way to gauge my days. If I could do a simple crossword puzzle early in the day, it was going to be a decent day. If I looked at the crossword puzzle page and couldn't make sense of the instructions or the clue words, well, sometimes I just went back to bed.

I have been reduced at times to wringing my hands, gritting my teeth and managing to choke out "the stuff....the red stuff.....the red stuff that's for french fries."

My husband and sons are used to it. They pretty much know what I'm talking about, even when I don't talk. But the rest of the world doesn't quite get it.

Frustration overwhelms me at times.

This is one of those times. I have a lovely blog entry in my head. It's all about ......something or other. But I just don't have whatever it is that makes me able to get words out of my head, push them down my arms and squeeze them through my fingers onto the keyboard.

For the record, it would have been witty, somewhat amusing and a bit informative. Really good stuff.

As it is, all you get tonight is the sad tale of a boring symptom of an autoimmune disease called Sjogren's Syndrome. Or maybe it's Lupus. Or vasculitis. Or fibromyalgia. Or a result of the migraine I had this morning. Or could be high blood pressure. Some people I know would say it's because of the medications I take. Never mind that the brain ooze started long before the first dose of anything. Regardless of which disease snatched my words, they're gone, and I'm muddle brained and thick headed and generally pretty foggy.

So check back tomorrow. The words will return. Always have so far.

And if you are chronic and you are also searching vainly for your lost words, don't worry. They're probably off playing with mine.

Peace be with you.


Anonymous said...

I love your blog. It's very well written, even when you have lost your words. Although I haven't yet written anything publishable, I share your frustration. My day job is as a teacher of English to business people but I have problems remembering the end of sentences I have just begun.
I have a bit of time off now, because I'm not so well and I am taking some time to try and write more. Your blog is an inspiration.

Matriarch said...

Thank you! It's good to know somebody's out there reading. :)
I can relate completely to not remembering the end of sentences. Hang in there. Keep reading. And commenting.