Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Where Are the Fog Lights?

For three hours I've been trying to pull my brain together and write about something important. It's not going to happen.

Maybe this is the time to explain brain fog. That's what we call it. If you're chronic you know what I'm talking about. If you're not, well, it's sort of like trying to sing underwater, only it has to do with thinking.

I don't know the physiological reason for brain fog. I know a lot of us have it. People with autoimmune diseases, chemo patients..... chronics.

In a past blog entry I explained how it is when I lose words. When full scale brain fog hits, all intellectual pursuits float in a viscous goo, just out of reach. Not only do I lose words, I lose the part of me that remembers why I wanted the words in the first place. It's an ironic state for me when I have spent my life writing for fun and profit. The only door I've ever known has slammed shut.

People who know that I'm sick but don't quite get it often ask why I don't freelance for magazines or newspapers. Obviously, the people who ask that haven't done it and don't know how much work freelance writing requires. Such effort and work is quite beyond me these days. Even if I could find the words and make the deadline and deliver something vaguely like what was assigned, there would be an even bigger problem.

Brain fog makes me unreliable. Sometimes things that I am absolutely certain I have done have absolutely not been done. Sometimes it's the other way around. And I confuse .... well, everything.

Nobody but my husband knows the depth of my confusion. And even he can't see it all.

Tonight all my traction is gone. I have words, but they won't fit together the right way. The story that needs telling will have to wait for another day. Tonight I will leave the keyboard and go play with my fabric.

Thank God there are so many windows.


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